17 May, 2019

I’ve sat down to write about this so many times over the last few weeks, and nothing has come out.  I haven’t been able to coherently type my thoughts, of which I have many and so much to say, but sometimes when your mind is going a million miles a minute and you’re overwhelmed with life, if you speak (or type) at the wrong time, nothing but jibberish will come out and nobody wants to read that!  I’ll start by saying if you’re upset or triggered by stories featuring euthanasia or death of pets, please stop reading now.  This post is part of the healing process for myself and others, and support for others who are or may one day be, in a similar situation.

We’ve had a rough year, and it got rougher on May 17^th when we said goodbye to Kato.  That was 47 days ago.  We’ve been a single dog household for 47 days.  It’s been the longest 47 days of my life.  The last time Loki was an only child was 11 years ago, before he got his brother.  Loki had terrible separation anxiety before Kato came along, the day they met it was like his world was complete.  When he left it turned upside down. 

Loki was there when Kato left this world, he lay on the floor next to his bed in silence.  We were so lucky to be able to have their Dr who they have known since we moved to Texas, come to our home to allow us to say goodbye where he was most comfortable.  Saying goodbye to a much-loved member of the family is never easy, but being at home where everyone is more relaxed, makes it a little more bearable.  It was important to us to have time to take care of him after, we took pictures of him, he was wrapped in a blanket with his bear, he looked so peaceful like he was sleeping.  We made nose and footprints from ink and clay, and we saved some of his hair.  Loki kissed his brother on the face and lay between Kato and I in the car as we drove him to Austin to The Pet Loss Center.  Those were some of the most understanding and compassionate people I have ever met.  They explained everything, triple checked everything, made sure I understood everything from beginning to end regarding how he would be taken care of.  Nobody wants to have to go through any of this but being informed and having patient, understanding people can make the difference between a good and bad experience that will be with you for a lifetime.   

Leaving him there broke my heart all over again, but reality really set in when he came home the next day; in a cherry wooden urn, with a name plate on top.  

Kato

20 Apr 2008 – 17 May 2019. 

I suffered immense anticipatory grief in the months and weeks leading up to Kato’s passing.  I didn’t know this was even a thing until it started affecting me. Being in the veterinary field, I’m blessed with colleagues and fellow professionals, access to specialists and peer reviewed journals so I can research every aspect of whatever is going on with my boys at the time.  I will tell you this is more often than not, a terrible curse for me.  I’m an over thinker at the best of times, but as Kato’s Degenerative Myelopathy (DM) started to progress, his front legs had started to weaken, my mind started to spiral.  If you don’t know anything about DM it’s been said to be similar to ALS or Lou Gehrig’s Disease in people.  It’s a progressive neurological disease causing the degeneration of the spinal cord.  It is also 100% preventable by genetic testing and selective breeding (for example not breeding pets that are positive genetically, and only breeding carriers to clear tested dogs).

DM typically starts with dragging of the hind feet, you might notice that the nails on the dog’s back paws are worn down on the middle digits.  It may start in one or both legs, but eventually the dog will lose control of their back legs, then be unable to use them at all.  I will add that so many other conditions can have similar starting signs so it’s important to see your vet, it may be something treatable through medication or surgery.  Dog Wheelchairs and harnesses to help lift and support your dog are able to help extend the quality of life once they reach this stage, there will be some links at the end of the post.  Beyond this requires much more advanced nursing care than I believe the average pet owner ever expects to have to take on with their dog. 

DM dogs eventually either become incontinent, meaning they can’t control when they urinate, or retain their urine due to their nervous function having been depleted,  which prevents their bladder functioning properly.  Retention is a problem because they cannot physically urinate on their own, putting them at risk for infection and other bladder troubles.  This is where learning to express your pet’s bladder is necessary.  Kato went through a couple of urinary tract infections before we realized he had reached this point, he needed to then have his bladder expressed on a regular basis. 

From his onset of symptoms to inability to use his rear legs completely was around 1 year.  I truly believe that chiropractic adjustments, acupuncture, a good diet and a mess of supplements helped to extend that time.  Some dogs only get 6 months before they reach paralysis and once the rear is down, it’s often not long before the front follows.  Kato wasn’t paralyzed in the front per se, when we decided it was time, but he wasn’t far from it.  He could no longer shuffle around the house on his own and he would only get up and go out or move around when someone helped him.  He would still play on the floor, chew toys, squeak balls, eat, drink and bark like crazy when he wanted something, but his frustration at not being able to follow his brother around and his weakening front legs were ultimately the deciding factor for us.  We had no problem helping him with whatever he needed but it was time to consider if we were helping him for us, so he didn’t have to go, or for him.  Once DM starts to spread to the front legs, it’s only a matter of time before it continues to cause more serious problems such as respiratory issues and eventually organ failure; cue my overthinking brain again.  He deserved much more than that, so we decided while he was still happy, playful, eating and drinking, acting like his usual goofy self, to make that decision.

Making the end of life decision for one of your most treasured, precious family members is not easy, nor should it be.  But I truly believe with my heart that it is sometimes one of the most powerful and loving gifts we can give to our pets when they need us most.  Having been in the veterinary field over ten years, I have seen many pets be euthanized, I have even given that final injection myself on occasions, but nobody can prepare you for the loss of your own sweet boy, especially one you have spent the last 18 months being a caregiver for.  Even though we knew we had made the right decision, at the right time for us, it didn’t stop the wondering of if we should have waited one more day…but it wouldn’t have changed anything and only prolonged the hurt to another day. 

One of the toughest pills for me to swallow was no matter how much money or time we spent, no matter how many specialists we saw, nothing could reverse the process of this disease.  Nothing was going to give us back our crazy boy who used to jump over furniture and even do agility in his younger years.  Coming to terms with the inevitable was hard, and the days following Kato’s departure was even harder.  Anticipatory grief turned to real grief and depression, I didn’t eat for 3 days, stayed in pajamas or laid in bed, finally on Sunday Mike encouraged me to get up and get ready, we’d take Loki out for a burger and a puppacino.  It was the first time we had been anywhere just the 3 of us.  It was to be our new normal for now. 

The Friday Kato passed, I couldn’t sleep; my eyes were sore from crying, my chest hurt from anxiety, the unknown future of how Loki would adjust was weighing heavy on my heart.  I eventually drifted off around 1 or 2 AM and remember being woken up by a startling vision.  I was standing in my living room, looking towards the bed where Kato had been laying just hours before, the same one he passed in.  In my dream I was watching him, he yawned, STOOD UP, and looked at me and tilted his head, as if to say “Hey Mom, let’s go out!”.  That was his thing, that boxer head tilt.  I woke up and immediately started crying again but it was at that moment that I knew without a doubt, he was OK and that we had relieved him of that insidious disease.  If anything was going to give us peace that we had made the right decision, that was our sign. His head tilt is now memorialized in a tattoo I got recently of his sweet face, so I can see his crazy bat ear every day, and look at him whenever I need to. The colours of teal and lime green were his personality, bright, fun and vibrant. This is how I am trying to remember him, the fun loving, goofy, huge personality that he was, and the immense impact he had on my life.

Dedicated to the Memory of my Sweet Kato Potato and my parents Sweet GSD Tara (Who also had DM) and all those who care for special needs pets, may you have peace in your heart and remember those you have lost with a smile. I’d also like to say a huge Thank You to all those who offered words of support and comfort, and checked on Loki and I after Kato’s passing. You are sweet souls and I appreciate you more than you know.

If you are struggling with your pet’s health, a chronic condition or hospice care, or even end of life decisions; you are not alone.  I talk to people almost daily in a professional capacity about their situations, but it’s still difficult to decide for your own family, I know this from experience as I’m going to be facing the same decision with Loki soon enough.  People you could talk to might be your veterinarian, or a vet tech, a pet loss counselor, or a close friend, though I encourage you to choose one who views pets in the same manner as you, or understands how your pets impact your life.  Reach out, it can help to have someone to share your struggles with.

If you, or someone you know has a handicapped or special needs pet, or a dog with DM, check out the resources below.

A Facebook group for those with DM dogs https://www.facebook.com/groups/DMDogs/

Wheelchairs for pets https://www.walkinwheels.com/

More wheelchairs for pets https://eddieswheels.com/

Harnesses and more for pets with mobility issues https://www.handicappedpets.com/

Supplements for dogs – The Cranberry Bladder Bites are amazing and prevented Kato from getting urinary tract infection ***Use Code BarksLoka20 for a discount*** https://zestypaws.com/products/cranberry-bladder-bites-for-dogs-with-cran-max-multiple-flavors  

(Don’t forget to ask your vet about supplements and medications before you start)

The Pet Loss Center Austin https://thepetlosscenter.com/austin/

Lap of Love are not based in my local area but they perform in home euthanasia and have pet loss resources. https://www.lapoflove.com/community/Pet-Loss-Support